7-6-2008 - 11:35
Without warning I. came shouting and cursing and shrieking to me and demanded in a threatening voice that I don't do my washing on "Shabbath". This is 5(!) before Shabbath. He put it in words of "Ya Sharmuta" etc. I had just put my jeans in the washing machine. There was ample time to finish my washing so I would, IN MY KINDNESS TO RESPECT HIS WISHES WHICH I DON'T HAVE TO SINCE IT IS HE WHO CHANGED THE 'RULES' AND NOT ME, have ample time to finish the whole laundry thing.
When I told him that 5 hours is a long time, he replied "Long time in your mother's ass". I replied with a calm voice (as contrary to his typical outburst of aggression and curses) "hear the -Tsadiek" (he goes on telling all the time that he will be a 'tsadiek' and big rabbi one time known all over the world). He then said "God will take care that you will get cancer in your stomach and the tumor will be this -he showed the size of a football ball- big".
He talks in the name of God now - I am sad to say that his hatred (to everything and everybody on this earth) has now taken on the form of megalomania in the form of thinking he is talking in God's name. He further went on to say some vague things out of which came the "Ya'Goya" thing again. He had stopped with calling me a Goya for some time now before yesterday -after having had to hear it daily thousands of times- because I suppose he figured out that if I am a goya my children are so as well.
He went on and on and on and I went just doing 'my thing' without answering anymore (to the eye because inside I was shaken a lot, I always do get shaken when he explodes into his hatred mantra thing with this voice of his that sounds like shriek turned up to high volume). Later he came back and told me I would not hang the laundry - "Ya sharmuta you will put it in the dryer". I asked why? He said he didn't want others to think we did laundry on Shabbath. The most stupid thing about this all is, is that if he would have asked me normally -like in a question/request- I would have said "OK", simply. Because I am a person that doesn't like to obstruct anyway. Like with everything else in this house since he's gone religious I don't do anything on purpose to upset him in that respect. The light in the toilets is taken out by him, OK. The light in the hall -that I face when laying in bed and see when I have to go to sleep- OK. The water boiler not being in the kitchen by on my bed-stand on Shabbath's - OK. Not smoking anywhere but in this room I am cooked up in - OK, and there is a whole list of things that I cooperate with - but for him it is never enough. Still, from the beginning of this marriage until a few years ago NONE of the religious rules concerning Shabbath were kept by him -or us- so it is HE who should have to show respect for my willingness to not keep on with habits we have had over many years.
Anyways: since Tomy Lapids death last week he is jubilating and singing and clapping his hands in joy - singing "the worms are eating him now, see what becomes of him" (like this doesn't happen to everybody when he's dead) - and that his 'pig-meat' is good for the worms etc. etc. This goes on for a few days already. Very, very happy he is with that guys death.
C'est ca. In another 12 days the court case will be held and I hope so very, very, very much the judge will separate us INSTANTLY because living here honestly drives me insane - this terror he produces and the talking behind my back with my daughter in whispers etc. etc. (although this is a thing that is going on for some 18 years already ever since she was about 10 years old) - are very difficult for a normal person meaning no harm to swallow.
Exposing.
Saturday, June 7, 2008
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Yesterday and Today
Yesterday I had too much to drink. I felt I wanted to 'loosen up' and probably I seem to have been saying things again (for the third time, once when A. arrived - once on the day A. traveled to Australia and now again.. ) - and I don't remember a thing. I remember an electricity cut and that's it. I might have opened the airconditioner or not... (being that it is Friday I am forbidden to do so by I.) - I simply don't remember. Things just become TOO much for me to handle sometimes and I flip. The hate bestowed upon me is unbearable. Certainly if it comes from your own daughter.
Anyway had a good talk with A. this morning and so I will stop the alcohol. It's better for me to stop since these amnesia trips when drinking too much will of course be fully taken advantage of against me. I even suspect him of recording me, since I saw the recording tape lying ready already... I. also started already singing this morning that I am full of hate and that God had sent him me -a goya- to return him be-tshuva. Don't ask how he comes to such things. And they, K. & I. were AGAIN talking bad things behind my back in whispering that I am so evil...
Man, I am so evil. I paid his gambling debts all those years, I stayed when I was verbally abused and whenever he was in a mess from gambling. I never -ever- had anything to say in this house. I remember all too well how he used to threaten me "you don't say anything, you hear.. or else" when I had another opinion with problems the children asked help for and I thought he solved it in an unethical manner. There is so much more. Too much. I am so tired. I just want him to go. I just don't want to see him anymore. And, as for K. my heart hurts. To have such a hate for your mother must be terrible. However I don't want to see her anymore either, there are just TOO many years of cursing me and trying to take the blood out from under my nails. She can't help it because her father allowed and even pushed her to do so, but that doesn't matter anymore. The only time I am willing to see her again is when she will act normal in a not humiliating manner to me. Enough is simply enough.
Expsoing.
Anyway had a good talk with A. this morning and so I will stop the alcohol. It's better for me to stop since these amnesia trips when drinking too much will of course be fully taken advantage of against me. I even suspect him of recording me, since I saw the recording tape lying ready already... I. also started already singing this morning that I am full of hate and that God had sent him me -a goya- to return him be-tshuva. Don't ask how he comes to such things. And they, K. & I. were AGAIN talking bad things behind my back in whispering that I am so evil...
Man, I am so evil. I paid his gambling debts all those years, I stayed when I was verbally abused and whenever he was in a mess from gambling. I never -ever- had anything to say in this house. I remember all too well how he used to threaten me "you don't say anything, you hear.. or else" when I had another opinion with problems the children asked help for and I thought he solved it in an unethical manner. There is so much more. Too much. I am so tired. I just want him to go. I just don't want to see him anymore. And, as for K. my heart hurts. To have such a hate for your mother must be terrible. However I don't want to see her anymore either, there are just TOO many years of cursing me and trying to take the blood out from under my nails. She can't help it because her father allowed and even pushed her to do so, but that doesn't matter anymore. The only time I am willing to see her again is when she will act normal in a not humiliating manner to me. Enough is simply enough.
Expsoing.
Sunday, May 25, 2008
This Sunday-morning
Sunday morning 08:40 - 25 May
Yesterday evening the two of them came home from wherever they were and opened the airconditioning. I said nothing and went to sleep. It was only 22:30 but I was tired and didn't have the energy to even say one thing about it - although the weather was very cool and there was absolutely no need for airconditioning - I was cold, but pulled a blanket over me and went to sleep.
Now -Sunday morning 08:40) the two of them are preparing to go somewhere and btw Isaac is singing that Am Israel is the chosen people and that all haters of God may get terrible diseases as is described in the Torah - or at least so he is singing - and continues to sing that 'they' (meaning me) may get terrible diseases in the whole of their bodies.
===============
Sunday afternoon 12:50
As I thought would happen the pestering me has started. They came home from wherever they were and straight away opened the airconditioning while it isn't warm at all and they don't like airconditioning anyway ever and put on very, very loud music to over shout the music I was listening to on the computer.
Also this morning as I came back from my morning walk I found a notice from income tax in the postbox downstairs saying that they will force their way into our appartment because he didn't fix the debts he is owning income tax - which means that they can come with the police and force their way in here and take among other things also my computer. I need the computer for work and won't be able to pay any bills if I don't have this computer anymore. Besides that this would be so unfair since I pay all bills and I pay income tax to the very penny and always on time - and I don't think I should suffer because of his madness. Why don't they just lock him up, why do they allow me to suffer so much from a madman?
Yesterday evening the two of them came home from wherever they were and opened the airconditioning. I said nothing and went to sleep. It was only 22:30 but I was tired and didn't have the energy to even say one thing about it - although the weather was very cool and there was absolutely no need for airconditioning - I was cold, but pulled a blanket over me and went to sleep.
Now -Sunday morning 08:40) the two of them are preparing to go somewhere and btw Isaac is singing that Am Israel is the chosen people and that all haters of God may get terrible diseases as is described in the Torah - or at least so he is singing - and continues to sing that 'they' (meaning me) may get terrible diseases in the whole of their bodies.
===============
Sunday afternoon 12:50
As I thought would happen the pestering me has started. They came home from wherever they were and straight away opened the airconditioning while it isn't warm at all and they don't like airconditioning anyway ever and put on very, very loud music to over shout the music I was listening to on the computer.
Also this morning as I came back from my morning walk I found a notice from income tax in the postbox downstairs saying that they will force their way into our appartment because he didn't fix the debts he is owning income tax - which means that they can come with the police and force their way in here and take among other things also my computer. I need the computer for work and won't be able to pay any bills if I don't have this computer anymore. Besides that this would be so unfair since I pay all bills and I pay income tax to the very penny and always on time - and I don't think I should suffer because of his madness. Why don't they just lock him up, why do they allow me to suffer so much from a madman?
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Aftermath
written Saturday evening.
After a delightful morning at the beach I came home and did nothing that could in any way disturb his Shabbath's observance. I made coffee in the room I am in and that's it, sat down to work.... He gets up from the couch and stands near my door and starts farting in the most loud and disgusting manner possible, and for long as well. So........... I got up and opened the airconditioner (which is breaking shabbath observance that I didn't want to do , but I didn't have much choice since he polluted the air in this room that has no windows with his farts).
Now I am afraid. He said yesterday that he will open de airconditioning 24/7 from tomorrow onwards to bring up the electricity bills I have to pay (he doesn't pay anything). What am I going to do? I feel so sad and upset.... He can do all this and I can't do anything against it because being without electricity (which is what would happen since he doesn't pay any bills) isn't an option since I am working from home on the computer. I cannot stop him from doing it because I also work outside of the house and I love my walks, so he has plenty of time to drive up the electricity bill for nothing.
This is such an unfair country. How in the world is it possible that he can keep on with this emotional violence against me and I can not do anything against it to stop it?? How come I am dependent on his good-will - which he doesn't have? I cannot even sue him for my stuff he threw away (so, in fact, he stole from me) because a wife cannot testify against her husband in this country. I could do it after a divorce but God knows how long that will take.... And, I am sure the 'law' will stipulate some or other restriction then again in where I can not get justice done.
Why aren't there social workers or whatever who can come and look at this and act to protect me from this madness he is terrorizing me with?
After a delightful morning at the beach I came home and did nothing that could in any way disturb his Shabbath's observance. I made coffee in the room I am in and that's it, sat down to work.... He gets up from the couch and stands near my door and starts farting in the most loud and disgusting manner possible, and for long as well. So........... I got up and opened the airconditioner (which is breaking shabbath observance that I didn't want to do , but I didn't have much choice since he polluted the air in this room that has no windows with his farts).
Now I am afraid. He said yesterday that he will open de airconditioning 24/7 from tomorrow onwards to bring up the electricity bills I have to pay (he doesn't pay anything). What am I going to do? I feel so sad and upset.... He can do all this and I can't do anything against it because being without electricity (which is what would happen since he doesn't pay any bills) isn't an option since I am working from home on the computer. I cannot stop him from doing it because I also work outside of the house and I love my walks, so he has plenty of time to drive up the electricity bill for nothing.
This is such an unfair country. How in the world is it possible that he can keep on with this emotional violence against me and I can not do anything against it to stop it?? How come I am dependent on his good-will - which he doesn't have? I cannot even sue him for my stuff he threw away (so, in fact, he stole from me) because a wife cannot testify against her husband in this country. I could do it after a divorce but God knows how long that will take.... And, I am sure the 'law' will stipulate some or other restriction then again in where I can not get justice done.
Why aren't there social workers or whatever who can come and look at this and act to protect me from this madness he is terrorizing me with?
Friday, May 23, 2008
update
1. I honestly can't stop drinking alcohol. for the following reasons:
a. i really feel better when doing it:not only when i do drink but also the day afterwards - more alive, more flexible, more agile (also physically)
b. why wouldn't i want to drink alcohol if i think my life sux and it doesn't matter what i do - nothing will make it better anyway?
c. I am still being pestered A LOT by a selfish (understatement) husband (soon to be ex, I hope) - and I can react way better when having alcohol diluted my blood to stream into my brains - because I am less afraid of him that way. (perhaps this doesn't make sense.... )
Today we had some 'talking' (rather shouting) between us again: he closed the airconditioning - it wasn't shabth yet but he said he was cold. fine. but i don't have any means of air coming into this room except for when the toiletdoor opposite this room is open and he doesn't want that because it is not 'holy'. so............... while i am working (to pay the bills he is living off, such a sucker - a non-man, a failure for mankind - i have to have at least 'some' air. Nothing could convince him that I am also a person who has rights and he kept on closing it. I kep on opening it. In the end it stayed open.... but, not before he wished that I would die of cancer in my brain and everywhere else.
How could I have married a psychological deranged person, I ask myself a lot. Was I that desparate in those days (I was a "hottie" and very good looking but lacked self-confidence).
a. i really feel better when doing it:not only when i do drink but also the day afterwards - more alive, more flexible, more agile (also physically)
b. why wouldn't i want to drink alcohol if i think my life sux and it doesn't matter what i do - nothing will make it better anyway?
c. I am still being pestered A LOT by a selfish (understatement) husband (soon to be ex, I hope) - and I can react way better when having alcohol diluted my blood to stream into my brains - because I am less afraid of him that way. (perhaps this doesn't make sense.... )
Today we had some 'talking' (rather shouting) between us again: he closed the airconditioning - it wasn't shabth yet but he said he was cold. fine. but i don't have any means of air coming into this room except for when the toiletdoor opposite this room is open and he doesn't want that because it is not 'holy'. so............... while i am working (to pay the bills he is living off, such a sucker - a non-man, a failure for mankind - i have to have at least 'some' air. Nothing could convince him that I am also a person who has rights and he kept on closing it. I kep on opening it. In the end it stayed open.... but, not before he wished that I would die of cancer in my brain and everywhere else.
How could I have married a psychological deranged person, I ask myself a lot. Was I that desparate in those days (I was a "hottie" and very good looking but lacked self-confidence).
Monday, April 21, 2008
Pesach 2008 for me *sigh*
Monday April 21st, 2008 - 07:30 AM
After a few times already that K. tried to provoke me into saying something to her insinuations about her grandparents (my parents) and how they should burn in hell according to her and how they are 'nothing' etc. etc. I yesterday told her I feel sorry for her. She kept on sneering at me and saying 'go back to work, quickly.... I have to use electricity and you have to pay for it' and she kept on putting the air conditioner on (no need for it, it wasn't warm at all).... She kept repeating the same over and over again - about how I am working for her and 'her house' etc....
I had drunk Keglovitch (wodka) with orange juice (I find that I am not only not getting 'drunk' from it, I find that I even feel very good the day after I have some glasses of it - lighter, more flexible and overall a better general feeling. Still I have to stop it because I don't think it is healthy. However in my situation where I lost everything I thought was 'mine' forever -or at least until I die- I am not really that worried about that, but more about feeling as good as I can because nobody else cares how I feel).
Anyway I am proud in myself that I didn't go overboard yesterday and got emotional (like I used to do in the past when terrible things were said to me, about me but most of all about her grandparents - people that are dead, where is the respect for the dead?) and stayed cool just telling her I feel sorry for her. Which I do.... God knows my heart is crying for her. There is something terribly wrong in that head of hers and she is like an emotional slave to her father who talked his way into becoming exactly that for years and years and years... I know he will receive punishment for his evilness 'later' when it is his time, but I so much would have liked my daughter not to have fallen for this evilness.....
There is not much I can do about it anymore, however it still hurts to see her that way....
EXPOSING
After a few times already that K. tried to provoke me into saying something to her insinuations about her grandparents (my parents) and how they should burn in hell according to her and how they are 'nothing' etc. etc. I yesterday told her I feel sorry for her. She kept on sneering at me and saying 'go back to work, quickly.... I have to use electricity and you have to pay for it' and she kept on putting the air conditioner on (no need for it, it wasn't warm at all).... She kept repeating the same over and over again - about how I am working for her and 'her house' etc....
I had drunk Keglovitch (wodka) with orange juice (I find that I am not only not getting 'drunk' from it, I find that I even feel very good the day after I have some glasses of it - lighter, more flexible and overall a better general feeling. Still I have to stop it because I don't think it is healthy. However in my situation where I lost everything I thought was 'mine' forever -or at least until I die- I am not really that worried about that, but more about feeling as good as I can because nobody else cares how I feel).
Anyway I am proud in myself that I didn't go overboard yesterday and got emotional (like I used to do in the past when terrible things were said to me, about me but most of all about her grandparents - people that are dead, where is the respect for the dead?) and stayed cool just telling her I feel sorry for her. Which I do.... God knows my heart is crying for her. There is something terribly wrong in that head of hers and she is like an emotional slave to her father who talked his way into becoming exactly that for years and years and years... I know he will receive punishment for his evilness 'later' when it is his time, but I so much would have liked my daughter not to have fallen for this evilness.....
There is not much I can do about it anymore, however it still hurts to see her that way....
EXPOSING
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Hurt
It is Sunday, April 5, 2008 -
and I am hurt. I sent a mail to A. Friday morning telling him I would phone him weekly for a short talks and asked what is the most convenient day in the week to become the steady day for doing so. I received no answer at all. I knew he had seen the question and so I sent another mail yesterday telling him that it is very degrading not to answer at all and he could just have said he doesn't want me phoning him weekly.... and no answer again.
So, it is as it is and he really wants to break away from me. Leaving me totally lonely because I&K are both hostile towards me and they wish something bad will happen to me. It is a shit feeling to know I have done nothing that warrants a total solitude and this behavior towards me. I could take it as 'well, blow you then', but the truth is that it hurts - a lot.
What's so bad in talking with your mother for a few minutes a week?
This week I haven't been subjected to any bad-wishes from I&K or anything. Which, at least, is good. I still can't get over it how over 30 years this man, I., has manipulated his evil doctrine into having K. think I am a bad person. How did he do this? The talking with her behind my back, the indoctrine that I am 'against' and not 'a part' of this family is not an evil thing to do to a child? Well, it's true it isn't new and I remember telling Osnat -a woman with whom I once worked back in 1992/94- about it, and how they locked me out of my own house that time, and she telling me I should immediately leave them for being so satanical - but I always felt that family is here to stay and you cannot throw them away just like that, in good and in bad times.
Until... they threw me away by riding over me and throwing my personal belongings out, the things with most emotional value for me -emotional value is the highest value for me, certainly if compared to material value- and openly (because perhaps this was done long before secretly) started 'praying' that I will get an accident and that I -and my dear beloved and deceased parents- will burn in hell. It is weird hearing this come from a grandchild whom they never done anything but good. What is this poison that grabs someone to wish those things for others, for family? They threw me out... and make it look like I am planning something bad for them by not being able to live with this hatred and hostility towards me anymore and sell this house. I. always starts something to hurt me and makes me crawl against the walls and when I react without a choice he takes it out of context and blame me for being bad.
I have supposedly been a 'bad mother', and - in I.'s distorted view I have probably been one - although I find it quite normal for a mother to ask that her children listen to her and not curse her finding support with their father in doing so, he knows to turn it around as if I was the bad person here. I hope God will judge him. This is soooo evil. If I'd loved myself more than wanting to be in a family I would have taken the children LONG ago and with the help of social organizations for the welfare of children would have taught them normal perspectives - and not have given him the chance to distort and manipulate their views. Mind: they think their perspectives are normal now..... but,
how then do you explain that one child thinks life is bad, has no job and no friends and the other likes to stay clear and far away from his mother and thinks I have been a bad mother for K. while I was the one sitting up night after night when their father was gambling away the only decent chance we had on living in a house with one more room so everybody would have had their privacy here and could enjoy, after our decease, more money left for them?
Is it correct to think someone is a bad mother for not wanting and/or letting her child curse her and humiliate her? Aren't children supposed to have parents that guide them? And how can they guide them if the authority is taken away from me by their father and translating this authority into me being a bad person?
This man is so sick and I always hoped he would calm down with the years because I valued a family nest above breaking up into pieces - but I was terribly wrong with a person like I. He is evil materializing and I should have known that his long-term plan outcasting me from the family was going to succeed because of his inborn evilness.
Today I am going to take out the stitches from my eyes. They have mended good and except for the puffiness and swelling and bruises -which seem to be normal for this kind of surgery - luckily enough I have not found discomfort from them. But, I have not rested like advised and walked more than ever really.... like I wanted to walk this sadness out of my body.
I am not succeeding with that.
Exposing.
and I am hurt. I sent a mail to A. Friday morning telling him I would phone him weekly for a short talks and asked what is the most convenient day in the week to become the steady day for doing so. I received no answer at all. I knew he had seen the question and so I sent another mail yesterday telling him that it is very degrading not to answer at all and he could just have said he doesn't want me phoning him weekly.... and no answer again.
So, it is as it is and he really wants to break away from me. Leaving me totally lonely because I&K are both hostile towards me and they wish something bad will happen to me. It is a shit feeling to know I have done nothing that warrants a total solitude and this behavior towards me. I could take it as 'well, blow you then', but the truth is that it hurts - a lot.
What's so bad in talking with your mother for a few minutes a week?
This week I haven't been subjected to any bad-wishes from I&K or anything. Which, at least, is good. I still can't get over it how over 30 years this man, I., has manipulated his evil doctrine into having K. think I am a bad person. How did he do this? The talking with her behind my back, the indoctrine that I am 'against' and not 'a part' of this family is not an evil thing to do to a child? Well, it's true it isn't new and I remember telling Osnat -a woman with whom I once worked back in 1992/94- about it, and how they locked me out of my own house that time, and she telling me I should immediately leave them for being so satanical - but I always felt that family is here to stay and you cannot throw them away just like that, in good and in bad times.
Until... they threw me away by riding over me and throwing my personal belongings out, the things with most emotional value for me -emotional value is the highest value for me, certainly if compared to material value- and openly (because perhaps this was done long before secretly) started 'praying' that I will get an accident and that I -and my dear beloved and deceased parents- will burn in hell. It is weird hearing this come from a grandchild whom they never done anything but good. What is this poison that grabs someone to wish those things for others, for family? They threw me out... and make it look like I am planning something bad for them by not being able to live with this hatred and hostility towards me anymore and sell this house. I. always starts something to hurt me and makes me crawl against the walls and when I react without a choice he takes it out of context and blame me for being bad.
I have supposedly been a 'bad mother', and - in I.'s distorted view I have probably been one - although I find it quite normal for a mother to ask that her children listen to her and not curse her finding support with their father in doing so, he knows to turn it around as if I was the bad person here. I hope God will judge him. This is soooo evil. If I'd loved myself more than wanting to be in a family I would have taken the children LONG ago and with the help of social organizations for the welfare of children would have taught them normal perspectives - and not have given him the chance to distort and manipulate their views. Mind: they think their perspectives are normal now..... but,
how then do you explain that one child thinks life is bad, has no job and no friends and the other likes to stay clear and far away from his mother and thinks I have been a bad mother for K. while I was the one sitting up night after night when their father was gambling away the only decent chance we had on living in a house with one more room so everybody would have had their privacy here and could enjoy, after our decease, more money left for them?
Is it correct to think someone is a bad mother for not wanting and/or letting her child curse her and humiliate her? Aren't children supposed to have parents that guide them? And how can they guide them if the authority is taken away from me by their father and translating this authority into me being a bad person?
This man is so sick and I always hoped he would calm down with the years because I valued a family nest above breaking up into pieces - but I was terribly wrong with a person like I. He is evil materializing and I should have known that his long-term plan outcasting me from the family was going to succeed because of his inborn evilness.
Today I am going to take out the stitches from my eyes. They have mended good and except for the puffiness and swelling and bruises -which seem to be normal for this kind of surgery - luckily enough I have not found discomfort from them. But, I have not rested like advised and walked more than ever really.... like I wanted to walk this sadness out of my body.
I am not succeeding with that.
Exposing.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Two days after surgery
Tuesday 1-april-2008 - 14:07
Last Sunday I had my eyelid surgery. It was at 17:00 in the afternoon and honestly speaking I wasn't really nervous until the time came very close (around 15:00 o'clock).
Perhaps the long relaxing (but fast tempo) walk to the beach on Shabbath had to do with that. The beach having always had a relaxing effect on me (but not only, it is also an excellent anti-depressant) -
Thanks God all went well and I was, despite contradicting advice saying both either yes or no, able to walk home about half an hour after the surgery. The only thing wanted was it to pass without complications and I am very grateful it did. Now that it has passed I hope I am relieved of the heavy bundle of skin upon my eyes and (figural speaking) I will look upon the world more "lightly" (again, because that already did before the systematic downgrading path of Isaac started to take its influence on me).
I made it through the rest of Sunday-evening and -night taking turns sitting up and laying down with small bags of frozen peas on my eyes (who looked -for me anyway- horrible, like Frankenstein, all swollen and with the huge sutures sticking out). The next morning I was at a loss what I should do in order to get the medicines that were prescribed - and thought even about 'hiring' the boy from the neighbors in order to get them for me, since it was strongly advised not to walk that day. In the end I decided I would start to walk and if it wouldn't work out I would take a taxi or something. Luckily I walked slowly and when I arrived at the kupath holim in ha-roeh str. I asked the pharmacist there a favor in helping me before anyone else (there was a huge que) while lifting my sunglasses -which sorta freaked her out looking at my eyes LOL.
She agreed and all went well, made it home - took care of my eyes and laid down... sitting up occasionally. In the afternoon I couldn't hold it anymore and went outside - again *sigh* - I had to buy a big pillow because I have to keep my head elevated when sleeping and the blanket and two crampy pillows that I piled up had caused me not only neck pain but a headache as well. And so I bought a pillow, from my meagre money I have left after paying really a lot of bills and living off the money quite good in the two months preceding this surgery. I wonder if I am going to make this month, financially that is - since my employer was abroad and also I am not working these days - having to recuperate my eyes. That would be disaster if I again would sink into not being able to have some room for buying necessities or, Godforbid, not able to pay the bills later on this month.
At around 12:00 I phoned A. yesterday (Monday) and it was really good to hear his voice again after more than one week. I know, because he said so, that he likes to distance himself as much as possible from "us" and so I am in doubt all the time what to do. I really need it to hear from him and interact and on the other hand cannot and do not want to force myself upon him. After we spoke I remembered I forgot to ask him something and so I sent an email. But he doesn't answer.
There is a whole part of me that is build differently than others (I think because I don't notice others struggling with the things as I perceive them) - but I will write about that another time.
In the meanwhile - here at the house - I am walking around with my new sunglasses with optical lenses on and until now only one laugh to K. and this morning talking again about returning be-tshuva and go to a mikva and cover my head, no intrusion into my personal space (yet).
Exposing.
Last Sunday I had my eyelid surgery. It was at 17:00 in the afternoon and honestly speaking I wasn't really nervous until the time came very close (around 15:00 o'clock).
Perhaps the long relaxing (but fast tempo) walk to the beach on Shabbath had to do with that. The beach having always had a relaxing effect on me (but not only, it is also an excellent anti-depressant) -
Thanks God all went well and I was, despite contradicting advice saying both either yes or no, able to walk home about half an hour after the surgery. The only thing wanted was it to pass without complications and I am very grateful it did. Now that it has passed I hope I am relieved of the heavy bundle of skin upon my eyes and (figural speaking) I will look upon the world more "lightly" (again, because that already did before the systematic downgrading path of Isaac started to take its influence on me).
I made it through the rest of Sunday-evening and -night taking turns sitting up and laying down with small bags of frozen peas on my eyes (who looked -for me anyway- horrible, like Frankenstein, all swollen and with the huge sutures sticking out). The next morning I was at a loss what I should do in order to get the medicines that were prescribed - and thought even about 'hiring' the boy from the neighbors in order to get them for me, since it was strongly advised not to walk that day. In the end I decided I would start to walk and if it wouldn't work out I would take a taxi or something. Luckily I walked slowly and when I arrived at the kupath holim in ha-roeh str. I asked the pharmacist there a favor in helping me before anyone else (there was a huge que) while lifting my sunglasses -which sorta freaked her out looking at my eyes LOL.
She agreed and all went well, made it home - took care of my eyes and laid down... sitting up occasionally. In the afternoon I couldn't hold it anymore and went outside - again *sigh* - I had to buy a big pillow because I have to keep my head elevated when sleeping and the blanket and two crampy pillows that I piled up had caused me not only neck pain but a headache as well. And so I bought a pillow, from my meagre money I have left after paying really a lot of bills and living off the money quite good in the two months preceding this surgery. I wonder if I am going to make this month, financially that is - since my employer was abroad and also I am not working these days - having to recuperate my eyes. That would be disaster if I again would sink into not being able to have some room for buying necessities or, Godforbid, not able to pay the bills later on this month.
At around 12:00 I phoned A. yesterday (Monday) and it was really good to hear his voice again after more than one week. I know, because he said so, that he likes to distance himself as much as possible from "us" and so I am in doubt all the time what to do. I really need it to hear from him and interact and on the other hand cannot and do not want to force myself upon him. After we spoke I remembered I forgot to ask him something and so I sent an email. But he doesn't answer.
There is a whole part of me that is build differently than others (I think because I don't notice others struggling with the things as I perceive them) - but I will write about that another time.
In the meanwhile - here at the house - I am walking around with my new sunglasses with optical lenses on and until now only one laugh to K. and this morning talking again about returning be-tshuva and go to a mikva and cover my head, no intrusion into my personal space (yet).
Exposing.
Saturday, March 29, 2008
The latest
29-3-2008 - 16:00
Today after I had been walking to the beach and came back and sat down to work on the forums, K. on purpose "bumped into" me - pushing aside while passing her at the balcony where I was to get some milk for my coffee.
I said nothing, pretended I didn't notice.
But then.........
She started shouting at me. Just like that, without any reason.... "I am waiting for you to burn in hell, just like abba says you will" - "Yella move out of my way, Fathma" - and more curses like that. "Go back to your work, me and abba need you to pay everything, go go" - "So good that A. is not here now I can tell you exactly what I want".
Because she seemed very upset I kept on asking in a calm voice "what happened?" - since this came out of the blue. But she didn't answer just kept on cursing me. Her face was "distorted" as well while doing so.
I cannot take this. I honestly don't want to be afraid of being cursed at without reason anymore. However, I also feel very, very sorry for her. And angry at Isaac. How did he manage to instill so much hatred into this girl? How???
Every time I have to pass him in the house he keeps on repeating "Elisheva, return be-tshuva. I will help you. I know you play tricks to keep A. from returning be-tshuva but you won't succeed, he will return be-tshuva. It is better you don't fight God because soon He will slam you, you'll become blind and very ill." - This over and over and over and over and.... again.... brrrrr.
K. later even entered the room I am keeping myself in and said "just so you know, in hell they observe shabbath". . .
This was my Saturday. No matter how much I try to stay optimistic and hope for the best, they always know how to depress me....
Tomorrow is the surgery on my eyes, I hope and pray they will stay a bit away from me and let me heal in a more relaxing atmosphere.
Exposing.
Today after I had been walking to the beach and came back and sat down to work on the forums, K. on purpose "bumped into" me - pushing aside while passing her at the balcony where I was to get some milk for my coffee.
I said nothing, pretended I didn't notice.
But then.........
She started shouting at me. Just like that, without any reason.... "I am waiting for you to burn in hell, just like abba says you will" - "Yella move out of my way, Fathma" - and more curses like that. "Go back to your work, me and abba need you to pay everything, go go" - "So good that A. is not here now I can tell you exactly what I want".
Because she seemed very upset I kept on asking in a calm voice "what happened?" - since this came out of the blue. But she didn't answer just kept on cursing me. Her face was "distorted" as well while doing so.
I cannot take this. I honestly don't want to be afraid of being cursed at without reason anymore. However, I also feel very, very sorry for her. And angry at Isaac. How did he manage to instill so much hatred into this girl? How???
Every time I have to pass him in the house he keeps on repeating "Elisheva, return be-tshuva. I will help you. I know you play tricks to keep A. from returning be-tshuva but you won't succeed, he will return be-tshuva. It is better you don't fight God because soon He will slam you, you'll become blind and very ill." - This over and over and over and over and.... again.... brrrrr.
K. later even entered the room I am keeping myself in and said "just so you know, in hell they observe shabbath". . .
This was my Saturday. No matter how much I try to stay optimistic and hope for the best, they always know how to depress me....
Tomorrow is the surgery on my eyes, I hope and pray they will stay a bit away from me and let me heal in a more relaxing atmosphere.
Exposing.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Funny thing
It's a funny thing that the person who I feel closest to and is the only one that helps me a bit is also the one hurting me most. Perhaps because I love him most?
Ever since A. was small I protected him against the outburst of jealousy from his sister. I know I should have handled it much better than I did. That is also why I always suggested we seek professional help, because a little girl that is so much jealous while there is no cause for it is very miserable I think. However, I couldn't let another child be miserable by that as well and let her attack him. So yes, I made mistakes - but it is not like I had a lot of choice. She was, after all, indoctrinated that I was a bad person and 'different' because I couldn't love because I came from the Netherlands. This, of course, according to Isaac.
Anyways, yes... I would sorta have expected him to be a tad bit more supportive of me. Not because I want him to chose sides, but because I am the one being under attack in this house - Why doesn't he want to protect me now, now that I need protection? Is it because of the parents have an obligation and children don't thing?
Of course I wouldn't want to hinder his progress. It is his life and he has to make the best of it. Which, I think, cannot be done if something is holding you down and keeps you busy emotionally - like a mother who is being pestered and taken the blood from under her nails by his father. It is difficult as it is to stand up to one you love like your father, so I probably am expecting too much.
It is my own fault. I always enveloped my whole life around him - and now he travels to the other side of the world CLEARLY marking that he likes to break away from here, including me.
So, this is a whole new situation I have to get used to. But, the problem is that I really don't feel I want to get used to anything anymore. I just would like to leave this world. For me this life has become much too hard to handle. I suffer too much. Obviously not only because a child travels to a far country and another child doesn't want to talk to me and think I am evil and wish that I would die in a terrorattack so she could get the money.... Not because of the curses and prayers with curses that I hear with periods every hour near my ear, or the covered-up wishes that I would get terrible illnesses and become blind - neatly covered in a 'return be-tshuva' package.... Not that practically all my personal belongings were thrown out by Isaac, not that all photos of all of my 30 years here of me together with the children were thrown out by him, not that memorables of my parents were thrown out by him..... No.... not even being confined into this room without a window while having not being able to move around freely in the house MY house. No... it is the accumulation of 30 years of abuse.
30 years of gambling, losing monies, getting cursed and shouted on, being made out as if I am the devil for just suggesting we find a house I will feel home in as well.... 30 years of humiliation because he has inferior feelings. I was the soundboard, the one he threw all his frustration on, and .........
I am just a person. I think a far more normal person than he is. In fact, I am sure 100% I am 100% more normal than he is. The things he uttered in the past and still do are sooooo crazy. But he knows to talk himself out of everything. I even fell for that the first 20 years of our marriage... That's why I think he is not only an abnormal person, but very evil as well. A man without a heart, without a soul....
Anyway, this is my rant for today.
I will write what went on yesterday and today:
"I know that you want that my son won't return be-tshuva and you do everything to prevent him from that. But it won't help you he will return be-tshuva despite your objections. It is a pity you are fighting God in the end he will make you blind".
(If I would have my diaries I would write here things everyones hair would stand straight up from but he threw them out so I don't have prove about his madness and my memory is just to weak to even remember what I have done yesterday).
Exposing
Ever since A. was small I protected him against the outburst of jealousy from his sister. I know I should have handled it much better than I did. That is also why I always suggested we seek professional help, because a little girl that is so much jealous while there is no cause for it is very miserable I think. However, I couldn't let another child be miserable by that as well and let her attack him. So yes, I made mistakes - but it is not like I had a lot of choice. She was, after all, indoctrinated that I was a bad person and 'different' because I couldn't love because I came from the Netherlands. This, of course, according to Isaac.
Anyways, yes... I would sorta have expected him to be a tad bit more supportive of me. Not because I want him to chose sides, but because I am the one being under attack in this house - Why doesn't he want to protect me now, now that I need protection? Is it because of the parents have an obligation and children don't thing?
Of course I wouldn't want to hinder his progress. It is his life and he has to make the best of it. Which, I think, cannot be done if something is holding you down and keeps you busy emotionally - like a mother who is being pestered and taken the blood from under her nails by his father. It is difficult as it is to stand up to one you love like your father, so I probably am expecting too much.
It is my own fault. I always enveloped my whole life around him - and now he travels to the other side of the world CLEARLY marking that he likes to break away from here, including me.
So, this is a whole new situation I have to get used to. But, the problem is that I really don't feel I want to get used to anything anymore. I just would like to leave this world. For me this life has become much too hard to handle. I suffer too much. Obviously not only because a child travels to a far country and another child doesn't want to talk to me and think I am evil and wish that I would die in a terrorattack so she could get the money.... Not because of the curses and prayers with curses that I hear with periods every hour near my ear, or the covered-up wishes that I would get terrible illnesses and become blind - neatly covered in a 'return be-tshuva' package.... Not that practically all my personal belongings were thrown out by Isaac, not that all photos of all of my 30 years here of me together with the children were thrown out by him, not that memorables of my parents were thrown out by him..... No.... not even being confined into this room without a window while having not being able to move around freely in the house MY house. No... it is the accumulation of 30 years of abuse.
30 years of gambling, losing monies, getting cursed and shouted on, being made out as if I am the devil for just suggesting we find a house I will feel home in as well.... 30 years of humiliation because he has inferior feelings. I was the soundboard, the one he threw all his frustration on, and .........
I am just a person. I think a far more normal person than he is. In fact, I am sure 100% I am 100% more normal than he is. The things he uttered in the past and still do are sooooo crazy. But he knows to talk himself out of everything. I even fell for that the first 20 years of our marriage... That's why I think he is not only an abnormal person, but very evil as well. A man without a heart, without a soul....
Anyway, this is my rant for today.
I will write what went on yesterday and today:
"I know that you want that my son won't return be-tshuva and you do everything to prevent him from that. But it won't help you he will return be-tshuva despite your objections. It is a pity you are fighting God in the end he will make you blind".
(If I would have my diaries I would write here things everyones hair would stand straight up from but he threw them out so I don't have prove about his madness and my memory is just to weak to even remember what I have done yesterday).
Exposing
Monday, March 24, 2008
Dear Diary
Yep, it's going to look like a diary.
The latest "taqtique" for spilling evil upon me is starting to talk to me in a wailing voice and asking
"Elisheva, why don't you return ba-tshuva?" and it goes on with the following:
"You shouldn't fight God, God is stronger than you are, if you don't submit to God he will bring you blindness and ..... (all kinds of sicknesses he mentions in a row)" The most poignant point though is that he comes back at blindness all the time that I will get. That is not something I like to hear a few days before the operation on my eyelids. I find it scaring even.
He repeats this riddle many times a day. It is very unnerving.
Exposing
The latest "taqtique" for spilling evil upon me is starting to talk to me in a wailing voice and asking
"Elisheva, why don't you return ba-tshuva?" and it goes on with the following:
"You shouldn't fight God, God is stronger than you are, if you don't submit to God he will bring you blindness and ..... (all kinds of sicknesses he mentions in a row)" The most poignant point though is that he comes back at blindness all the time that I will get. That is not something I like to hear a few days before the operation on my eyelids. I find it scaring even.
He repeats this riddle many times a day. It is very unnerving.
Exposing
Event-message-1
Middle of the night: very hot - 04:20
I have been sleeping and waking up off and on and decided to get up because it is so hot and laying around in bed not able to sleep didn't make me feel good.
I lighted the small lamp near my bed like I always do -also when A. (son) was sleeping in the living-room these past 2 months and it never bothered him- and got up.
Isaac got up as well, went into the toilets and put the light on there, while after he was finished, he didn't turn the light off again and also smacked down the toilet seat ferociously - it giving a loud bang.
He went on very noisily washing his hands and "pray" while cursing "all the goyim, all the enemies of the Jewish people" - yimach-shimam - and other curse words very, very loudly into my direction (in the room I am in with the door open). This went on about 10 minutes.
As I had to go to the kitchen to get toilet paper from there I had to pass him while he was sitting there and he cursed me with curse words and asked into space "from where all this strength?" (meaning I have strength), "why isn't she ever sick?", "she has no sicknesses at all. why not?"
Exposing
Update 05:15:
As I entered the kitchen to make me coffee Isaac started talking to me in a wailing voice:
"return ba-tshuva, put a head-covering, dress modest, don't fight God, pity that you fight God, you will be blind soon, your teeth has already fallen out, now you will get blind as well, you cannot prevent from A. (son) to become religious, he will become religious and you will have grandchildren with tsitsiot and you will not be able to see them because you will be blind.." etc. etc. on and on, until I left the kitchen when the coffee was ready.
I have been sleeping and waking up off and on and decided to get up because it is so hot and laying around in bed not able to sleep didn't make me feel good.
I lighted the small lamp near my bed like I always do -also when A. (son) was sleeping in the living-room these past 2 months and it never bothered him- and got up.
Isaac got up as well, went into the toilets and put the light on there, while after he was finished, he didn't turn the light off again and also smacked down the toilet seat ferociously - it giving a loud bang.
He went on very noisily washing his hands and "pray" while cursing "all the goyim, all the enemies of the Jewish people" - yimach-shimam - and other curse words very, very loudly into my direction (in the room I am in with the door open). This went on about 10 minutes.
As I had to go to the kitchen to get toilet paper from there I had to pass him while he was sitting there and he cursed me with curse words and asked into space "from where all this strength?" (meaning I have strength), "why isn't she ever sick?", "she has no sicknesses at all. why not?"
Exposing
Update 05:15:
As I entered the kitchen to make me coffee Isaac started talking to me in a wailing voice:
"return ba-tshuva, put a head-covering, dress modest, don't fight God, pity that you fight God, you will be blind soon, your teeth has already fallen out, now you will get blind as well, you cannot prevent from A. (son) to become religious, he will become religious and you will have grandchildren with tsitsiot and you will not be able to see them because you will be blind.." etc. etc. on and on, until I left the kitchen when the coffee was ready.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
guilty or not?
I am sick of this spinning my guilt into this thing. What have I done?
I converted because husband wanted to have 'jewish children'. and I loved him that much that i was prepared to convert to anything that attribute to a wholesome, harmonious family....
why did it go wrong then?
perhaps because I thought that this would be enough to show my sincerity? I was haunted for 30 years as if I was a hostile element instead of component in this family... how did I wind up in this cob of evilness?
MY GOD - what did you have planned for me?
what is the lesson I have to learn in this life?
I converted because husband wanted to have 'jewish children'. and I loved him that much that i was prepared to convert to anything that attribute to a wholesome, harmonious family....
why did it go wrong then?
perhaps because I thought that this would be enough to show my sincerity? I was haunted for 30 years as if I was a hostile element instead of component in this family... how did I wind up in this cob of evilness?
MY GOD - what did you have planned for me?
what is the lesson I have to learn in this life?
telephone call
I just got a call from my "husband" saying that if I (who is sitting in her room and not doing anything else than distracting her mind by listening to music with earphones) is not calling it quits with alcohol, he is going to call the police.
What is this?
a call of despair because truth over evilness (his) is vectoring, or what?
I did not leave this room, nor did I hear the music out loud - because I used the earphones, so what is this all about?
exposing...
What is this?
a call of despair because truth over evilness (his) is vectoring, or what?
I did not leave this room, nor did I hear the music out loud - because I used the earphones, so what is this all about?
exposing...
no title
feeling like puting up a title is like advertising something, something I would like people to read, which I don't this is MY inner 'me' - I will only and alone be responsible for the things I write on MY blog to MYself....
I am going on a journey to see if I can find myself. This seems the most pressing thing happening to me at the moment, today 23 March 2008, the day my son is traveling to Australia and being the moment I dreaded really since the moment he arrived. I know I am not being fair about that since I done this and much WORSE to my own parents, so I am trying to figure where the selfishness ends and the logic (about realizing that I done the same thing) begins to take over my feelings of terrible sadness......
The story isn't an easy one. I really need to uncover myself in order to find myself in order to build myself up again, after the HORRIBLE harassment I have encountered during the last 30 years of my life. The main perpetrator thereof being my so-called 'husband' the person without feelings, without a heart. A calculator....
I will start this blog soon as I have patience... which may be in the next few minutes or next month. But... for ONE time my thoughts and ME will be on paper as witness to who I am and not get dissolved by my terribly lacking memory who doesn't seem to have pity on me....
Exposing
I am going on a journey to see if I can find myself. This seems the most pressing thing happening to me at the moment, today 23 March 2008, the day my son is traveling to Australia and being the moment I dreaded really since the moment he arrived. I know I am not being fair about that since I done this and much WORSE to my own parents, so I am trying to figure where the selfishness ends and the logic (about realizing that I done the same thing) begins to take over my feelings of terrible sadness......
The story isn't an easy one. I really need to uncover myself in order to find myself in order to build myself up again, after the HORRIBLE harassment I have encountered during the last 30 years of my life. The main perpetrator thereof being my so-called 'husband' the person without feelings, without a heart. A calculator....
I will start this blog soon as I have patience... which may be in the next few minutes or next month. But... for ONE time my thoughts and ME will be on paper as witness to who I am and not get dissolved by my terribly lacking memory who doesn't seem to have pity on me....
Exposing
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