29-3-2008 - 16:00
Today after I had been walking to the beach and came back and sat down to work on the forums, K. on purpose "bumped into" me - pushing aside while passing her at the balcony where I was to get some milk for my coffee.
I said nothing, pretended I didn't notice.
But then.........
She started shouting at me. Just like that, without any reason.... "I am waiting for you to burn in hell, just like abba says you will" - "Yella move out of my way, Fathma" - and more curses like that. "Go back to your work, me and abba need you to pay everything, go go" - "So good that A. is not here now I can tell you exactly what I want".
Because she seemed very upset I kept on asking in a calm voice "what happened?" - since this came out of the blue. But she didn't answer just kept on cursing me. Her face was "distorted" as well while doing so.
I cannot take this. I honestly don't want to be afraid of being cursed at without reason anymore. However, I also feel very, very sorry for her. And angry at Isaac. How did he manage to instill so much hatred into this girl? How???
Every time I have to pass him in the house he keeps on repeating "Elisheva, return be-tshuva. I will help you. I know you play tricks to keep A. from returning be-tshuva but you won't succeed, he will return be-tshuva. It is better you don't fight God because soon He will slam you, you'll become blind and very ill." - This over and over and over and over and.... again.... brrrrr.
K. later even entered the room I am keeping myself in and said "just so you know, in hell they observe shabbath". . .
This was my Saturday. No matter how much I try to stay optimistic and hope for the best, they always know how to depress me....
Tomorrow is the surgery on my eyes, I hope and pray they will stay a bit away from me and let me heal in a more relaxing atmosphere.
Exposing.
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Funny thing
It's a funny thing that the person who I feel closest to and is the only one that helps me a bit is also the one hurting me most. Perhaps because I love him most?
Ever since A. was small I protected him against the outburst of jealousy from his sister. I know I should have handled it much better than I did. That is also why I always suggested we seek professional help, because a little girl that is so much jealous while there is no cause for it is very miserable I think. However, I couldn't let another child be miserable by that as well and let her attack him. So yes, I made mistakes - but it is not like I had a lot of choice. She was, after all, indoctrinated that I was a bad person and 'different' because I couldn't love because I came from the Netherlands. This, of course, according to Isaac.
Anyways, yes... I would sorta have expected him to be a tad bit more supportive of me. Not because I want him to chose sides, but because I am the one being under attack in this house - Why doesn't he want to protect me now, now that I need protection? Is it because of the parents have an obligation and children don't thing?
Of course I wouldn't want to hinder his progress. It is his life and he has to make the best of it. Which, I think, cannot be done if something is holding you down and keeps you busy emotionally - like a mother who is being pestered and taken the blood from under her nails by his father. It is difficult as it is to stand up to one you love like your father, so I probably am expecting too much.
It is my own fault. I always enveloped my whole life around him - and now he travels to the other side of the world CLEARLY marking that he likes to break away from here, including me.
So, this is a whole new situation I have to get used to. But, the problem is that I really don't feel I want to get used to anything anymore. I just would like to leave this world. For me this life has become much too hard to handle. I suffer too much. Obviously not only because a child travels to a far country and another child doesn't want to talk to me and think I am evil and wish that I would die in a terrorattack so she could get the money.... Not because of the curses and prayers with curses that I hear with periods every hour near my ear, or the covered-up wishes that I would get terrible illnesses and become blind - neatly covered in a 'return be-tshuva' package.... Not that practically all my personal belongings were thrown out by Isaac, not that all photos of all of my 30 years here of me together with the children were thrown out by him, not that memorables of my parents were thrown out by him..... No.... not even being confined into this room without a window while having not being able to move around freely in the house MY house. No... it is the accumulation of 30 years of abuse.
30 years of gambling, losing monies, getting cursed and shouted on, being made out as if I am the devil for just suggesting we find a house I will feel home in as well.... 30 years of humiliation because he has inferior feelings. I was the soundboard, the one he threw all his frustration on, and .........
I am just a person. I think a far more normal person than he is. In fact, I am sure 100% I am 100% more normal than he is. The things he uttered in the past and still do are sooooo crazy. But he knows to talk himself out of everything. I even fell for that the first 20 years of our marriage... That's why I think he is not only an abnormal person, but very evil as well. A man without a heart, without a soul....
Anyway, this is my rant for today.
I will write what went on yesterday and today:
"I know that you want that my son won't return be-tshuva and you do everything to prevent him from that. But it won't help you he will return be-tshuva despite your objections. It is a pity you are fighting God in the end he will make you blind".
(If I would have my diaries I would write here things everyones hair would stand straight up from but he threw them out so I don't have prove about his madness and my memory is just to weak to even remember what I have done yesterday).
Exposing
Ever since A. was small I protected him against the outburst of jealousy from his sister. I know I should have handled it much better than I did. That is also why I always suggested we seek professional help, because a little girl that is so much jealous while there is no cause for it is very miserable I think. However, I couldn't let another child be miserable by that as well and let her attack him. So yes, I made mistakes - but it is not like I had a lot of choice. She was, after all, indoctrinated that I was a bad person and 'different' because I couldn't love because I came from the Netherlands. This, of course, according to Isaac.
Anyways, yes... I would sorta have expected him to be a tad bit more supportive of me. Not because I want him to chose sides, but because I am the one being under attack in this house - Why doesn't he want to protect me now, now that I need protection? Is it because of the parents have an obligation and children don't thing?
Of course I wouldn't want to hinder his progress. It is his life and he has to make the best of it. Which, I think, cannot be done if something is holding you down and keeps you busy emotionally - like a mother who is being pestered and taken the blood from under her nails by his father. It is difficult as it is to stand up to one you love like your father, so I probably am expecting too much.
It is my own fault. I always enveloped my whole life around him - and now he travels to the other side of the world CLEARLY marking that he likes to break away from here, including me.
So, this is a whole new situation I have to get used to. But, the problem is that I really don't feel I want to get used to anything anymore. I just would like to leave this world. For me this life has become much too hard to handle. I suffer too much. Obviously not only because a child travels to a far country and another child doesn't want to talk to me and think I am evil and wish that I would die in a terrorattack so she could get the money.... Not because of the curses and prayers with curses that I hear with periods every hour near my ear, or the covered-up wishes that I would get terrible illnesses and become blind - neatly covered in a 'return be-tshuva' package.... Not that practically all my personal belongings were thrown out by Isaac, not that all photos of all of my 30 years here of me together with the children were thrown out by him, not that memorables of my parents were thrown out by him..... No.... not even being confined into this room without a window while having not being able to move around freely in the house MY house. No... it is the accumulation of 30 years of abuse.
30 years of gambling, losing monies, getting cursed and shouted on, being made out as if I am the devil for just suggesting we find a house I will feel home in as well.... 30 years of humiliation because he has inferior feelings. I was the soundboard, the one he threw all his frustration on, and .........
I am just a person. I think a far more normal person than he is. In fact, I am sure 100% I am 100% more normal than he is. The things he uttered in the past and still do are sooooo crazy. But he knows to talk himself out of everything. I even fell for that the first 20 years of our marriage... That's why I think he is not only an abnormal person, but very evil as well. A man without a heart, without a soul....
Anyway, this is my rant for today.
I will write what went on yesterday and today:
"I know that you want that my son won't return be-tshuva and you do everything to prevent him from that. But it won't help you he will return be-tshuva despite your objections. It is a pity you are fighting God in the end he will make you blind".
(If I would have my diaries I would write here things everyones hair would stand straight up from but he threw them out so I don't have prove about his madness and my memory is just to weak to even remember what I have done yesterday).
Exposing
Monday, March 24, 2008
Dear Diary
Yep, it's going to look like a diary.
The latest "taqtique" for spilling evil upon me is starting to talk to me in a wailing voice and asking
"Elisheva, why don't you return ba-tshuva?" and it goes on with the following:
"You shouldn't fight God, God is stronger than you are, if you don't submit to God he will bring you blindness and ..... (all kinds of sicknesses he mentions in a row)" The most poignant point though is that he comes back at blindness all the time that I will get. That is not something I like to hear a few days before the operation on my eyelids. I find it scaring even.
He repeats this riddle many times a day. It is very unnerving.
Exposing
The latest "taqtique" for spilling evil upon me is starting to talk to me in a wailing voice and asking
"Elisheva, why don't you return ba-tshuva?" and it goes on with the following:
"You shouldn't fight God, God is stronger than you are, if you don't submit to God he will bring you blindness and ..... (all kinds of sicknesses he mentions in a row)" The most poignant point though is that he comes back at blindness all the time that I will get. That is not something I like to hear a few days before the operation on my eyelids. I find it scaring even.
He repeats this riddle many times a day. It is very unnerving.
Exposing
Event-message-1
Middle of the night: very hot - 04:20
I have been sleeping and waking up off and on and decided to get up because it is so hot and laying around in bed not able to sleep didn't make me feel good.
I lighted the small lamp near my bed like I always do -also when A. (son) was sleeping in the living-room these past 2 months and it never bothered him- and got up.
Isaac got up as well, went into the toilets and put the light on there, while after he was finished, he didn't turn the light off again and also smacked down the toilet seat ferociously - it giving a loud bang.
He went on very noisily washing his hands and "pray" while cursing "all the goyim, all the enemies of the Jewish people" - yimach-shimam - and other curse words very, very loudly into my direction (in the room I am in with the door open). This went on about 10 minutes.
As I had to go to the kitchen to get toilet paper from there I had to pass him while he was sitting there and he cursed me with curse words and asked into space "from where all this strength?" (meaning I have strength), "why isn't she ever sick?", "she has no sicknesses at all. why not?"
Exposing
Update 05:15:
As I entered the kitchen to make me coffee Isaac started talking to me in a wailing voice:
"return ba-tshuva, put a head-covering, dress modest, don't fight God, pity that you fight God, you will be blind soon, your teeth has already fallen out, now you will get blind as well, you cannot prevent from A. (son) to become religious, he will become religious and you will have grandchildren with tsitsiot and you will not be able to see them because you will be blind.." etc. etc. on and on, until I left the kitchen when the coffee was ready.
I have been sleeping and waking up off and on and decided to get up because it is so hot and laying around in bed not able to sleep didn't make me feel good.
I lighted the small lamp near my bed like I always do -also when A. (son) was sleeping in the living-room these past 2 months and it never bothered him- and got up.
Isaac got up as well, went into the toilets and put the light on there, while after he was finished, he didn't turn the light off again and also smacked down the toilet seat ferociously - it giving a loud bang.
He went on very noisily washing his hands and "pray" while cursing "all the goyim, all the enemies of the Jewish people" - yimach-shimam - and other curse words very, very loudly into my direction (in the room I am in with the door open). This went on about 10 minutes.
As I had to go to the kitchen to get toilet paper from there I had to pass him while he was sitting there and he cursed me with curse words and asked into space "from where all this strength?" (meaning I have strength), "why isn't she ever sick?", "she has no sicknesses at all. why not?"
Exposing
Update 05:15:
As I entered the kitchen to make me coffee Isaac started talking to me in a wailing voice:
"return ba-tshuva, put a head-covering, dress modest, don't fight God, pity that you fight God, you will be blind soon, your teeth has already fallen out, now you will get blind as well, you cannot prevent from A. (son) to become religious, he will become religious and you will have grandchildren with tsitsiot and you will not be able to see them because you will be blind.." etc. etc. on and on, until I left the kitchen when the coffee was ready.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
guilty or not?
I am sick of this spinning my guilt into this thing. What have I done?
I converted because husband wanted to have 'jewish children'. and I loved him that much that i was prepared to convert to anything that attribute to a wholesome, harmonious family....
why did it go wrong then?
perhaps because I thought that this would be enough to show my sincerity? I was haunted for 30 years as if I was a hostile element instead of component in this family... how did I wind up in this cob of evilness?
MY GOD - what did you have planned for me?
what is the lesson I have to learn in this life?
I converted because husband wanted to have 'jewish children'. and I loved him that much that i was prepared to convert to anything that attribute to a wholesome, harmonious family....
why did it go wrong then?
perhaps because I thought that this would be enough to show my sincerity? I was haunted for 30 years as if I was a hostile element instead of component in this family... how did I wind up in this cob of evilness?
MY GOD - what did you have planned for me?
what is the lesson I have to learn in this life?
telephone call
I just got a call from my "husband" saying that if I (who is sitting in her room and not doing anything else than distracting her mind by listening to music with earphones) is not calling it quits with alcohol, he is going to call the police.
What is this?
a call of despair because truth over evilness (his) is vectoring, or what?
I did not leave this room, nor did I hear the music out loud - because I used the earphones, so what is this all about?
exposing...
What is this?
a call of despair because truth over evilness (his) is vectoring, or what?
I did not leave this room, nor did I hear the music out loud - because I used the earphones, so what is this all about?
exposing...
no title
feeling like puting up a title is like advertising something, something I would like people to read, which I don't this is MY inner 'me' - I will only and alone be responsible for the things I write on MY blog to MYself....
I am going on a journey to see if I can find myself. This seems the most pressing thing happening to me at the moment, today 23 March 2008, the day my son is traveling to Australia and being the moment I dreaded really since the moment he arrived. I know I am not being fair about that since I done this and much WORSE to my own parents, so I am trying to figure where the selfishness ends and the logic (about realizing that I done the same thing) begins to take over my feelings of terrible sadness......
The story isn't an easy one. I really need to uncover myself in order to find myself in order to build myself up again, after the HORRIBLE harassment I have encountered during the last 30 years of my life. The main perpetrator thereof being my so-called 'husband' the person without feelings, without a heart. A calculator....
I will start this blog soon as I have patience... which may be in the next few minutes or next month. But... for ONE time my thoughts and ME will be on paper as witness to who I am and not get dissolved by my terribly lacking memory who doesn't seem to have pity on me....
Exposing
I am going on a journey to see if I can find myself. This seems the most pressing thing happening to me at the moment, today 23 March 2008, the day my son is traveling to Australia and being the moment I dreaded really since the moment he arrived. I know I am not being fair about that since I done this and much WORSE to my own parents, so I am trying to figure where the selfishness ends and the logic (about realizing that I done the same thing) begins to take over my feelings of terrible sadness......
The story isn't an easy one. I really need to uncover myself in order to find myself in order to build myself up again, after the HORRIBLE harassment I have encountered during the last 30 years of my life. The main perpetrator thereof being my so-called 'husband' the person without feelings, without a heart. A calculator....
I will start this blog soon as I have patience... which may be in the next few minutes or next month. But... for ONE time my thoughts and ME will be on paper as witness to who I am and not get dissolved by my terribly lacking memory who doesn't seem to have pity on me....
Exposing
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