Funny thing

It's a funny thing that the person who I feel closest to and is the only one that helps me a bit is also the one hurting me most. Perhaps because I love him most?

Ever since A. was small I protected him against the outburst of jealousy from his sister. I know I should have handled it much better than I did. That is also why I always suggested we seek professional help, because a little girl that is so much jealous while there is no cause for it is very miserable I think. However, I couldn't let another child be miserable by that as well and let her attack him. So yes, I made mistakes - but it is not like I had a lot of choice. She was, after all, indoctrinated that I was a bad person and 'different' because I couldn't love because I came from the Netherlands. This, of course, according to Isaac.

Anyways, yes... I would sorta have expected him to be a tad bit more supportive of me. Not because I want him to chose sides, but because I am the one being under attack in this house - Why doesn't he want to protect me now, now that I need protection? Is it because of the parents have an obligation and children don't thing?

Of course I wouldn't want to hinder his progress. It is his life and he has to make the best of it. Which, I think, cannot be done if something is holding you down and keeps you busy emotionally - like a mother who is being pestered and taken the blood from under her nails by his father. It is difficult as it is to stand up to one you love like your father, so I probably am expecting too much.

It is my own fault. I always enveloped my whole life around him - and now he travels to the other side of the world CLEARLY marking that he likes to break away from here, including me.

So, this is a whole new situation I have to get used to. But, the problem is that I really don't feel I want to get used to anything anymore. I just would like to leave this world. For me this life has become much too hard to handle. I suffer too much. Obviously not only because a child travels to a far country and another child doesn't want to talk to me and think I am evil and wish that I would die in a terrorattack so she could get the money.... Not because of the curses and prayers with curses that I hear with periods every hour near my ear, or the covered-up wishes that I would get terrible illnesses and become blind - neatly covered in a 'return be-tshuva' package.... Not that practically all my personal belongings were thrown out by Isaac, not that all photos of all of my 30 years here of me together with the children were thrown out by him, not that memorables of my parents were thrown out by him..... No.... not even being confined into this room without a window while having not being able to move around freely in the house MY house. No... it is the accumulation of 30 years of abuse.

30 years of gambling, losing monies, getting cursed and shouted on, being made out as if I am the devil for just suggesting we find a house I will feel home in as well.... 30 years of humiliation because he has inferior feelings. I was the soundboard, the one he threw all his frustration on, and .........


I am just a person. I think a far more normal person than he is. In fact, I am sure 100% I am 100% more normal than he is. The things he uttered in the past and still do are sooooo crazy. But he knows to talk himself out of everything. I even fell for that the first 20 years of our marriage... That's why I think he is not only an abnormal person, but very evil as well. A man without a heart, without a soul....

Anyway, this is my rant for today.

I will write what went on yesterday and today:

"I know that you want that my son won't return be-tshuva and you do everything to prevent him from that. But it won't help you he will return be-tshuva despite your objections. It is a pity you are fighting God in the end he will make you blind".

(If I would have my diaries I would write here things everyones hair would stand straight up from but he threw them out so I don't have prove about his madness and my memory is just to weak to even remember what I have done yesterday).

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