Monday April 21st, 2008 - 07:30 AM
After a few times already that K. tried to provoke me into saying something to her insinuations about her grandparents (my parents) and how they should burn in hell according to her and how they are 'nothing' etc. etc. I yesterday told her I feel sorry for her. She kept on sneering at me and saying 'go back to work, quickly.... I have to use electricity and you have to pay for it' and she kept on putting the air conditioner on (no need for it, it wasn't warm at all).... She kept repeating the same over and over again - about how I am working for her and 'her house' etc....
I had drunk Keglovitch (wodka) with orange juice (I find that I am not only not getting 'drunk' from it, I find that I even feel very good the day after I have some glasses of it - lighter, more flexible and overall a better general feeling. Still I have to stop it because I don't think it is healthy. However in my situation where I lost everything I thought was 'mine' forever -or at least until I die- I am not really that worried about that, but more about feeling as good as I can because nobody else cares how I feel).
Anyway I am proud in myself that I didn't go overboard yesterday and got emotional (like I used to do in the past when terrible things were said to me, about me but most of all about her grandparents - people that are dead, where is the respect for the dead?) and stayed cool just telling her I feel sorry for her. Which I do.... God knows my heart is crying for her. There is something terribly wrong in that head of hers and she is like an emotional slave to her father who talked his way into becoming exactly that for years and years and years... I know he will receive punishment for his evilness 'later' when it is his time, but I so much would have liked my daughter not to have fallen for this evilness.....
There is not much I can do about it anymore, however it still hurts to see her that way....
EXPOSING
Monday, April 21, 2008
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Hurt
It is Sunday, April 5, 2008 -
and I am hurt. I sent a mail to A. Friday morning telling him I would phone him weekly for a short talks and asked what is the most convenient day in the week to become the steady day for doing so. I received no answer at all. I knew he had seen the question and so I sent another mail yesterday telling him that it is very degrading not to answer at all and he could just have said he doesn't want me phoning him weekly.... and no answer again.
So, it is as it is and he really wants to break away from me. Leaving me totally lonely because I&K are both hostile towards me and they wish something bad will happen to me. It is a shit feeling to know I have done nothing that warrants a total solitude and this behavior towards me. I could take it as 'well, blow you then', but the truth is that it hurts - a lot.
What's so bad in talking with your mother for a few minutes a week?
This week I haven't been subjected to any bad-wishes from I&K or anything. Which, at least, is good. I still can't get over it how over 30 years this man, I., has manipulated his evil doctrine into having K. think I am a bad person. How did he do this? The talking with her behind my back, the indoctrine that I am 'against' and not 'a part' of this family is not an evil thing to do to a child? Well, it's true it isn't new and I remember telling Osnat -a woman with whom I once worked back in 1992/94- about it, and how they locked me out of my own house that time, and she telling me I should immediately leave them for being so satanical - but I always felt that family is here to stay and you cannot throw them away just like that, in good and in bad times.
Until... they threw me away by riding over me and throwing my personal belongings out, the things with most emotional value for me -emotional value is the highest value for me, certainly if compared to material value- and openly (because perhaps this was done long before secretly) started 'praying' that I will get an accident and that I -and my dear beloved and deceased parents- will burn in hell. It is weird hearing this come from a grandchild whom they never done anything but good. What is this poison that grabs someone to wish those things for others, for family? They threw me out... and make it look like I am planning something bad for them by not being able to live with this hatred and hostility towards me anymore and sell this house. I. always starts something to hurt me and makes me crawl against the walls and when I react without a choice he takes it out of context and blame me for being bad.
I have supposedly been a 'bad mother', and - in I.'s distorted view I have probably been one - although I find it quite normal for a mother to ask that her children listen to her and not curse her finding support with their father in doing so, he knows to turn it around as if I was the bad person here. I hope God will judge him. This is soooo evil. If I'd loved myself more than wanting to be in a family I would have taken the children LONG ago and with the help of social organizations for the welfare of children would have taught them normal perspectives - and not have given him the chance to distort and manipulate their views. Mind: they think their perspectives are normal now..... but,
how then do you explain that one child thinks life is bad, has no job and no friends and the other likes to stay clear and far away from his mother and thinks I have been a bad mother for K. while I was the one sitting up night after night when their father was gambling away the only decent chance we had on living in a house with one more room so everybody would have had their privacy here and could enjoy, after our decease, more money left for them?
Is it correct to think someone is a bad mother for not wanting and/or letting her child curse her and humiliate her? Aren't children supposed to have parents that guide them? And how can they guide them if the authority is taken away from me by their father and translating this authority into me being a bad person?
This man is so sick and I always hoped he would calm down with the years because I valued a family nest above breaking up into pieces - but I was terribly wrong with a person like I. He is evil materializing and I should have known that his long-term plan outcasting me from the family was going to succeed because of his inborn evilness.
Today I am going to take out the stitches from my eyes. They have mended good and except for the puffiness and swelling and bruises -which seem to be normal for this kind of surgery - luckily enough I have not found discomfort from them. But, I have not rested like advised and walked more than ever really.... like I wanted to walk this sadness out of my body.
I am not succeeding with that.
Exposing.
and I am hurt. I sent a mail to A. Friday morning telling him I would phone him weekly for a short talks and asked what is the most convenient day in the week to become the steady day for doing so. I received no answer at all. I knew he had seen the question and so I sent another mail yesterday telling him that it is very degrading not to answer at all and he could just have said he doesn't want me phoning him weekly.... and no answer again.
So, it is as it is and he really wants to break away from me. Leaving me totally lonely because I&K are both hostile towards me and they wish something bad will happen to me. It is a shit feeling to know I have done nothing that warrants a total solitude and this behavior towards me. I could take it as 'well, blow you then', but the truth is that it hurts - a lot.
What's so bad in talking with your mother for a few minutes a week?
This week I haven't been subjected to any bad-wishes from I&K or anything. Which, at least, is good. I still can't get over it how over 30 years this man, I., has manipulated his evil doctrine into having K. think I am a bad person. How did he do this? The talking with her behind my back, the indoctrine that I am 'against' and not 'a part' of this family is not an evil thing to do to a child? Well, it's true it isn't new and I remember telling Osnat -a woman with whom I once worked back in 1992/94- about it, and how they locked me out of my own house that time, and she telling me I should immediately leave them for being so satanical - but I always felt that family is here to stay and you cannot throw them away just like that, in good and in bad times.
Until... they threw me away by riding over me and throwing my personal belongings out, the things with most emotional value for me -emotional value is the highest value for me, certainly if compared to material value- and openly (because perhaps this was done long before secretly) started 'praying' that I will get an accident and that I -and my dear beloved and deceased parents- will burn in hell. It is weird hearing this come from a grandchild whom they never done anything but good. What is this poison that grabs someone to wish those things for others, for family? They threw me out... and make it look like I am planning something bad for them by not being able to live with this hatred and hostility towards me anymore and sell this house. I. always starts something to hurt me and makes me crawl against the walls and when I react without a choice he takes it out of context and blame me for being bad.
I have supposedly been a 'bad mother', and - in I.'s distorted view I have probably been one - although I find it quite normal for a mother to ask that her children listen to her and not curse her finding support with their father in doing so, he knows to turn it around as if I was the bad person here. I hope God will judge him. This is soooo evil. If I'd loved myself more than wanting to be in a family I would have taken the children LONG ago and with the help of social organizations for the welfare of children would have taught them normal perspectives - and not have given him the chance to distort and manipulate their views. Mind: they think their perspectives are normal now..... but,
how then do you explain that one child thinks life is bad, has no job and no friends and the other likes to stay clear and far away from his mother and thinks I have been a bad mother for K. while I was the one sitting up night after night when their father was gambling away the only decent chance we had on living in a house with one more room so everybody would have had their privacy here and could enjoy, after our decease, more money left for them?
Is it correct to think someone is a bad mother for not wanting and/or letting her child curse her and humiliate her? Aren't children supposed to have parents that guide them? And how can they guide them if the authority is taken away from me by their father and translating this authority into me being a bad person?
This man is so sick and I always hoped he would calm down with the years because I valued a family nest above breaking up into pieces - but I was terribly wrong with a person like I. He is evil materializing and I should have known that his long-term plan outcasting me from the family was going to succeed because of his inborn evilness.
Today I am going to take out the stitches from my eyes. They have mended good and except for the puffiness and swelling and bruises -which seem to be normal for this kind of surgery - luckily enough I have not found discomfort from them. But, I have not rested like advised and walked more than ever really.... like I wanted to walk this sadness out of my body.
I am not succeeding with that.
Exposing.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Two days after surgery
Tuesday 1-april-2008 - 14:07
Last Sunday I had my eyelid surgery. It was at 17:00 in the afternoon and honestly speaking I wasn't really nervous until the time came very close (around 15:00 o'clock).
Perhaps the long relaxing (but fast tempo) walk to the beach on Shabbath had to do with that. The beach having always had a relaxing effect on me (but not only, it is also an excellent anti-depressant) -
Thanks God all went well and I was, despite contradicting advice saying both either yes or no, able to walk home about half an hour after the surgery. The only thing wanted was it to pass without complications and I am very grateful it did. Now that it has passed I hope I am relieved of the heavy bundle of skin upon my eyes and (figural speaking) I will look upon the world more "lightly" (again, because that already did before the systematic downgrading path of Isaac started to take its influence on me).
I made it through the rest of Sunday-evening and -night taking turns sitting up and laying down with small bags of frozen peas on my eyes (who looked -for me anyway- horrible, like Frankenstein, all swollen and with the huge sutures sticking out). The next morning I was at a loss what I should do in order to get the medicines that were prescribed - and thought even about 'hiring' the boy from the neighbors in order to get them for me, since it was strongly advised not to walk that day. In the end I decided I would start to walk and if it wouldn't work out I would take a taxi or something. Luckily I walked slowly and when I arrived at the kupath holim in ha-roeh str. I asked the pharmacist there a favor in helping me before anyone else (there was a huge que) while lifting my sunglasses -which sorta freaked her out looking at my eyes LOL.
She agreed and all went well, made it home - took care of my eyes and laid down... sitting up occasionally. In the afternoon I couldn't hold it anymore and went outside - again *sigh* - I had to buy a big pillow because I have to keep my head elevated when sleeping and the blanket and two crampy pillows that I piled up had caused me not only neck pain but a headache as well. And so I bought a pillow, from my meagre money I have left after paying really a lot of bills and living off the money quite good in the two months preceding this surgery. I wonder if I am going to make this month, financially that is - since my employer was abroad and also I am not working these days - having to recuperate my eyes. That would be disaster if I again would sink into not being able to have some room for buying necessities or, Godforbid, not able to pay the bills later on this month.
At around 12:00 I phoned A. yesterday (Monday) and it was really good to hear his voice again after more than one week. I know, because he said so, that he likes to distance himself as much as possible from "us" and so I am in doubt all the time what to do. I really need it to hear from him and interact and on the other hand cannot and do not want to force myself upon him. After we spoke I remembered I forgot to ask him something and so I sent an email. But he doesn't answer.
There is a whole part of me that is build differently than others (I think because I don't notice others struggling with the things as I perceive them) - but I will write about that another time.
In the meanwhile - here at the house - I am walking around with my new sunglasses with optical lenses on and until now only one laugh to K. and this morning talking again about returning be-tshuva and go to a mikva and cover my head, no intrusion into my personal space (yet).
Exposing.
Last Sunday I had my eyelid surgery. It was at 17:00 in the afternoon and honestly speaking I wasn't really nervous until the time came very close (around 15:00 o'clock).
Perhaps the long relaxing (but fast tempo) walk to the beach on Shabbath had to do with that. The beach having always had a relaxing effect on me (but not only, it is also an excellent anti-depressant) -
Thanks God all went well and I was, despite contradicting advice saying both either yes or no, able to walk home about half an hour after the surgery. The only thing wanted was it to pass without complications and I am very grateful it did. Now that it has passed I hope I am relieved of the heavy bundle of skin upon my eyes and (figural speaking) I will look upon the world more "lightly" (again, because that already did before the systematic downgrading path of Isaac started to take its influence on me).
I made it through the rest of Sunday-evening and -night taking turns sitting up and laying down with small bags of frozen peas on my eyes (who looked -for me anyway- horrible, like Frankenstein, all swollen and with the huge sutures sticking out). The next morning I was at a loss what I should do in order to get the medicines that were prescribed - and thought even about 'hiring' the boy from the neighbors in order to get them for me, since it was strongly advised not to walk that day. In the end I decided I would start to walk and if it wouldn't work out I would take a taxi or something. Luckily I walked slowly and when I arrived at the kupath holim in ha-roeh str. I asked the pharmacist there a favor in helping me before anyone else (there was a huge que) while lifting my sunglasses -which sorta freaked her out looking at my eyes LOL.
She agreed and all went well, made it home - took care of my eyes and laid down... sitting up occasionally. In the afternoon I couldn't hold it anymore and went outside - again *sigh* - I had to buy a big pillow because I have to keep my head elevated when sleeping and the blanket and two crampy pillows that I piled up had caused me not only neck pain but a headache as well. And so I bought a pillow, from my meagre money I have left after paying really a lot of bills and living off the money quite good in the two months preceding this surgery. I wonder if I am going to make this month, financially that is - since my employer was abroad and also I am not working these days - having to recuperate my eyes. That would be disaster if I again would sink into not being able to have some room for buying necessities or, Godforbid, not able to pay the bills later on this month.
At around 12:00 I phoned A. yesterday (Monday) and it was really good to hear his voice again after more than one week. I know, because he said so, that he likes to distance himself as much as possible from "us" and so I am in doubt all the time what to do. I really need it to hear from him and interact and on the other hand cannot and do not want to force myself upon him. After we spoke I remembered I forgot to ask him something and so I sent an email. But he doesn't answer.
There is a whole part of me that is build differently than others (I think because I don't notice others struggling with the things as I perceive them) - but I will write about that another time.
In the meanwhile - here at the house - I am walking around with my new sunglasses with optical lenses on and until now only one laugh to K. and this morning talking again about returning be-tshuva and go to a mikva and cover my head, no intrusion into my personal space (yet).
Exposing.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)