Hurt

It is Sunday, April 5, 2008 -

and I am hurt. I sent a mail to A. Friday morning telling him I would phone him weekly for a short talks and asked what is the most convenient day in the week to become the steady day for doing so. I received no answer at all. I knew he had seen the question and so I sent another mail yesterday telling him that it is very degrading not to answer at all and he could just have said he doesn't want me phoning him weekly.... and no answer again.

So, it is as it is and he really wants to break away from me. Leaving me totally lonely because I&K are both hostile towards me and they wish something bad will happen to me. It is a shit feeling to know I have done nothing that warrants a total solitude and this behavior towards me. I could take it as 'well, blow you then', but the truth is that it hurts - a lot.

What's so bad in talking with your mother for a few minutes a week?

This week I haven't been subjected to any bad-wishes from I&K or anything. Which, at least, is good. I still can't get over it how over 30 years this man, I., has manipulated his evil doctrine into having K. think I am a bad person. How did he do this? The talking with her behind my back, the indoctrine that I am 'against' and not 'a part' of this family is not an evil thing to do to a child? Well, it's true it isn't new and I remember telling Osnat -a woman with whom I once worked back in 1992/94- about it, and how they locked me out of my own house that time, and she telling me I should immediately leave them for being so satanical - but I always felt that family is here to stay and you cannot throw them away just like that, in good and in bad times.

Until... they threw me away by riding over me and throwing my personal belongings out, the things with most emotional value for me -emotional value is the highest value for me, certainly if compared to material value- and openly (because perhaps this was done long before secretly) started 'praying' that I will get an accident and that I -and my dear beloved and deceased parents- will burn in hell. It is weird hearing this come from a grandchild whom they never done anything but good. What is this poison that grabs someone to wish those things for others, for family? They threw me out... and make it look like I am planning something bad for them by not being able to live with this hatred and hostility towards me anymore and sell this house. I. always starts something to hurt me and makes me crawl against the walls and when I react without a choice he takes it out of context and blame me for being bad.

I have supposedly been a 'bad mother', and - in I.'s distorted view I have probably been one - although I find it quite normal for a mother to ask that her children listen to her and not curse her finding support with their father in doing so, he knows to turn it around as if I was the bad person here. I hope God will judge him. This is soooo evil. If I'd loved myself more than wanting to be in a family I would have taken the children LONG ago and with the help of social organizations for the welfare of children would have taught them normal perspectives - and not have given him the chance to distort and manipulate their views. Mind: they think their perspectives are normal now..... but,

how then do you explain that one child thinks life is bad, has no job and no friends and the other likes to stay clear and far away from his mother and thinks I have been a bad mother for K. while I was the one sitting up night after night when their father was gambling away the only decent chance we had on living in a house with one more room so everybody would have had their privacy here and could enjoy, after our decease, more money left for them?

Is it correct to think someone is a bad mother for not wanting and/or letting her child curse her and humiliate her? Aren't children supposed to have parents that guide them? And how can they guide them if the authority is taken away from me by their father and translating this authority into me being a bad person?

This man is so sick and I always hoped he would calm down with the years because I valued a family nest above breaking up into pieces - but I was terribly wrong with a person like I. He is evil materializing and I should have known that his long-term plan outcasting me from the family was going to succeed because of his inborn evilness.

Today I am going to take out the stitches from my eyes. They have mended good and except for the puffiness and swelling and bruises -which seem to be normal for this kind of surgery - luckily enough I have not found discomfort from them. But, I have not rested like advised and walked more than ever really.... like I wanted to walk this sadness out of my body.

I am not succeeding with that.

Exposing.