Yesterday I had too much to drink. I felt I wanted to 'loosen up' and probably I seem to have been saying things again (for the third time, once when A. arrived - once on the day A. traveled to Australia and now again.. ) - and I don't remember a thing. I remember an electricity cut and that's it. I might have opened the airconditioner or not... (being that it is Friday I am forbidden to do so by I.) - I simply don't remember. Things just become TOO much for me to handle sometimes and I flip. The hate bestowed upon me is unbearable. Certainly if it comes from your own daughter.
Anyway had a good talk with A. this morning and so I will stop the alcohol. It's better for me to stop since these amnesia trips when drinking too much will of course be fully taken advantage of against me. I even suspect him of recording me, since I saw the recording tape lying ready already... I. also started already singing this morning that I am full of hate and that God had sent him me -a goya- to return him be-tshuva. Don't ask how he comes to such things. And they, K. & I. were AGAIN talking bad things behind my back in whispering that I am so evil...
Man, I am so evil. I paid his gambling debts all those years, I stayed when I was verbally abused and whenever he was in a mess from gambling. I never -ever- had anything to say in this house. I remember all too well how he used to threaten me "you don't say anything, you hear.. or else" when I had another opinion with problems the children asked help for and I thought he solved it in an unethical manner. There is so much more. Too much. I am so tired. I just want him to go. I just don't want to see him anymore. And, as for K. my heart hurts. To have such a hate for your mother must be terrible. However I don't want to see her anymore either, there are just TOO many years of cursing me and trying to take the blood out from under my nails. She can't help it because her father allowed and even pushed her to do so, but that doesn't matter anymore. The only time I am willing to see her again is when she will act normal in a not humiliating manner to me. Enough is simply enough.
Expsoing.
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Sunday, May 25, 2008
This Sunday-morning
Sunday morning 08:40 - 25 May
Yesterday evening the two of them came home from wherever they were and opened the airconditioning. I said nothing and went to sleep. It was only 22:30 but I was tired and didn't have the energy to even say one thing about it - although the weather was very cool and there was absolutely no need for airconditioning - I was cold, but pulled a blanket over me and went to sleep.
Now -Sunday morning 08:40) the two of them are preparing to go somewhere and btw Isaac is singing that Am Israel is the chosen people and that all haters of God may get terrible diseases as is described in the Torah - or at least so he is singing - and continues to sing that 'they' (meaning me) may get terrible diseases in the whole of their bodies.
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Sunday afternoon 12:50
As I thought would happen the pestering me has started. They came home from wherever they were and straight away opened the airconditioning while it isn't warm at all and they don't like airconditioning anyway ever and put on very, very loud music to over shout the music I was listening to on the computer.
Also this morning as I came back from my morning walk I found a notice from income tax in the postbox downstairs saying that they will force their way into our appartment because he didn't fix the debts he is owning income tax - which means that they can come with the police and force their way in here and take among other things also my computer. I need the computer for work and won't be able to pay any bills if I don't have this computer anymore. Besides that this would be so unfair since I pay all bills and I pay income tax to the very penny and always on time - and I don't think I should suffer because of his madness. Why don't they just lock him up, why do they allow me to suffer so much from a madman?
Yesterday evening the two of them came home from wherever they were and opened the airconditioning. I said nothing and went to sleep. It was only 22:30 but I was tired and didn't have the energy to even say one thing about it - although the weather was very cool and there was absolutely no need for airconditioning - I was cold, but pulled a blanket over me and went to sleep.
Now -Sunday morning 08:40) the two of them are preparing to go somewhere and btw Isaac is singing that Am Israel is the chosen people and that all haters of God may get terrible diseases as is described in the Torah - or at least so he is singing - and continues to sing that 'they' (meaning me) may get terrible diseases in the whole of their bodies.
===============
Sunday afternoon 12:50
As I thought would happen the pestering me has started. They came home from wherever they were and straight away opened the airconditioning while it isn't warm at all and they don't like airconditioning anyway ever and put on very, very loud music to over shout the music I was listening to on the computer.
Also this morning as I came back from my morning walk I found a notice from income tax in the postbox downstairs saying that they will force their way into our appartment because he didn't fix the debts he is owning income tax - which means that they can come with the police and force their way in here and take among other things also my computer. I need the computer for work and won't be able to pay any bills if I don't have this computer anymore. Besides that this would be so unfair since I pay all bills and I pay income tax to the very penny and always on time - and I don't think I should suffer because of his madness. Why don't they just lock him up, why do they allow me to suffer so much from a madman?
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Aftermath
written Saturday evening.
After a delightful morning at the beach I came home and did nothing that could in any way disturb his Shabbath's observance. I made coffee in the room I am in and that's it, sat down to work.... He gets up from the couch and stands near my door and starts farting in the most loud and disgusting manner possible, and for long as well. So........... I got up and opened the airconditioner (which is breaking shabbath observance that I didn't want to do , but I didn't have much choice since he polluted the air in this room that has no windows with his farts).
Now I am afraid. He said yesterday that he will open de airconditioning 24/7 from tomorrow onwards to bring up the electricity bills I have to pay (he doesn't pay anything). What am I going to do? I feel so sad and upset.... He can do all this and I can't do anything against it because being without electricity (which is what would happen since he doesn't pay any bills) isn't an option since I am working from home on the computer. I cannot stop him from doing it because I also work outside of the house and I love my walks, so he has plenty of time to drive up the electricity bill for nothing.
This is such an unfair country. How in the world is it possible that he can keep on with this emotional violence against me and I can not do anything against it to stop it?? How come I am dependent on his good-will - which he doesn't have? I cannot even sue him for my stuff he threw away (so, in fact, he stole from me) because a wife cannot testify against her husband in this country. I could do it after a divorce but God knows how long that will take.... And, I am sure the 'law' will stipulate some or other restriction then again in where I can not get justice done.
Why aren't there social workers or whatever who can come and look at this and act to protect me from this madness he is terrorizing me with?
After a delightful morning at the beach I came home and did nothing that could in any way disturb his Shabbath's observance. I made coffee in the room I am in and that's it, sat down to work.... He gets up from the couch and stands near my door and starts farting in the most loud and disgusting manner possible, and for long as well. So........... I got up and opened the airconditioner (which is breaking shabbath observance that I didn't want to do , but I didn't have much choice since he polluted the air in this room that has no windows with his farts).
Now I am afraid. He said yesterday that he will open de airconditioning 24/7 from tomorrow onwards to bring up the electricity bills I have to pay (he doesn't pay anything). What am I going to do? I feel so sad and upset.... He can do all this and I can't do anything against it because being without electricity (which is what would happen since he doesn't pay any bills) isn't an option since I am working from home on the computer. I cannot stop him from doing it because I also work outside of the house and I love my walks, so he has plenty of time to drive up the electricity bill for nothing.
This is such an unfair country. How in the world is it possible that he can keep on with this emotional violence against me and I can not do anything against it to stop it?? How come I am dependent on his good-will - which he doesn't have? I cannot even sue him for my stuff he threw away (so, in fact, he stole from me) because a wife cannot testify against her husband in this country. I could do it after a divorce but God knows how long that will take.... And, I am sure the 'law' will stipulate some or other restriction then again in where I can not get justice done.
Why aren't there social workers or whatever who can come and look at this and act to protect me from this madness he is terrorizing me with?
Friday, May 23, 2008
update
1. I honestly can't stop drinking alcohol. for the following reasons:
a. i really feel better when doing it:not only when i do drink but also the day afterwards - more alive, more flexible, more agile (also physically)
b. why wouldn't i want to drink alcohol if i think my life sux and it doesn't matter what i do - nothing will make it better anyway?
c. I am still being pestered A LOT by a selfish (understatement) husband (soon to be ex, I hope) - and I can react way better when having alcohol diluted my blood to stream into my brains - because I am less afraid of him that way. (perhaps this doesn't make sense.... )
Today we had some 'talking' (rather shouting) between us again: he closed the airconditioning - it wasn't shabth yet but he said he was cold. fine. but i don't have any means of air coming into this room except for when the toiletdoor opposite this room is open and he doesn't want that because it is not 'holy'. so............... while i am working (to pay the bills he is living off, such a sucker - a non-man, a failure for mankind - i have to have at least 'some' air. Nothing could convince him that I am also a person who has rights and he kept on closing it. I kep on opening it. In the end it stayed open.... but, not before he wished that I would die of cancer in my brain and everywhere else.
How could I have married a psychological deranged person, I ask myself a lot. Was I that desparate in those days (I was a "hottie" and very good looking but lacked self-confidence).
a. i really feel better when doing it:not only when i do drink but also the day afterwards - more alive, more flexible, more agile (also physically)
b. why wouldn't i want to drink alcohol if i think my life sux and it doesn't matter what i do - nothing will make it better anyway?
c. I am still being pestered A LOT by a selfish (understatement) husband (soon to be ex, I hope) - and I can react way better when having alcohol diluted my blood to stream into my brains - because I am less afraid of him that way. (perhaps this doesn't make sense.... )
Today we had some 'talking' (rather shouting) between us again: he closed the airconditioning - it wasn't shabth yet but he said he was cold. fine. but i don't have any means of air coming into this room except for when the toiletdoor opposite this room is open and he doesn't want that because it is not 'holy'. so............... while i am working (to pay the bills he is living off, such a sucker - a non-man, a failure for mankind - i have to have at least 'some' air. Nothing could convince him that I am also a person who has rights and he kept on closing it. I kep on opening it. In the end it stayed open.... but, not before he wished that I would die of cancer in my brain and everywhere else.
How could I have married a psychological deranged person, I ask myself a lot. Was I that desparate in those days (I was a "hottie" and very good looking but lacked self-confidence).
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