update

1. I honestly can't stop drinking alcohol. for the following reasons:

a. i really feel better when doing it:not only when i do drink but also the day afterwards - more alive, more flexible, more agile (also physically)
b. why wouldn't i want to drink alcohol if i think my life sux and it doesn't matter what i do - nothing will make it better anyway?
c. I am still being pestered A LOT by a selfish (understatement) husband (soon to be ex, I hope) - and I can react way better when having alcohol diluted my blood to stream into my brains - because I am less afraid of him that way. (perhaps this doesn't make sense.... )


Today we had some 'talking' (rather shouting) between us again: he closed the airconditioning - it wasn't shabth yet but he said he was cold. fine. but i don't have any means of air coming into this room except for when the toiletdoor opposite this room is open and he doesn't want that because it is not 'holy'. so............... while i am working (to pay the bills he is living off, such a sucker - a non-man, a failure for mankind - i have to have at least 'some' air. Nothing could convince him that I am also a person who has rights and he kept on closing it. I kep on opening it. In the end it stayed open.... but, not before he wished that I would die of cancer in my brain and everywhere else.


How could I have married a psychological deranged person, I ask myself a lot. Was I that desparate in those days (I was a "hottie" and very good looking but lacked self-confidence).