Yesterday and Today

Yesterday I had too much to drink. I felt I wanted to 'loosen up' and probably I seem to have been saying things again (for the third time, once when A. arrived - once on the day A. traveled to Australia and now again.. ) - and I don't remember a thing. I remember an electricity cut and that's it. I might have opened the airconditioner or not... (being that it is Friday I am forbidden to do so by I.) - I simply don't remember. Things just become TOO much for me to handle sometimes and I flip. The hate bestowed upon me is unbearable. Certainly if it comes from your own daughter.

Anyway had a good talk with A. this morning and so I will stop the alcohol. It's better for me to stop since these amnesia trips when drinking too much will of course be fully taken advantage of against me. I even suspect him of recording me, since I saw the recording tape lying ready already... I. also started already singing this morning that I am full of hate and that God had sent him me -a goya- to return him be-tshuva. Don't ask how he comes to such things. And they, K. & I. were AGAIN talking bad things behind my back in whispering that I am so evil...

Man, I am so evil. I paid his gambling debts all those years, I stayed when I was verbally abused and whenever he was in a mess from gambling. I never -ever- had anything to say in this house. I remember all too well how he used to threaten me "you don't say anything, you hear.. or else" when I had another opinion with problems the children asked help for and I thought he solved it in an unethical manner. There is so much more. Too much. I am so tired. I just want him to go. I just don't want to see him anymore. And, as for K. my heart hurts. To have such a hate for your mother must be terrible. However I don't want to see her anymore either, there are just TOO many years of cursing me and trying to take the blood out from under my nails. She can't help it because her father allowed and even pushed her to do so, but that doesn't matter anymore. The only time I am willing to see her again is when she will act normal in a not humiliating manner to me. Enough is simply enough.

Expsoing.